Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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