Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
