Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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