Moan for me like Helen Keller
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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