Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
