we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
