So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
