Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
