If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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