I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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