We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
