i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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