Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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