I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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