when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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