I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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