I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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