i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
