I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
