do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
