On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm like, not good at living.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
