You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
i think i just lost a toe
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
