she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
