Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
