My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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