is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
