We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
