Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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