The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
