If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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