and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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