I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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