i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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