i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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