I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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