Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
