Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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