either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Then you guys just all showered together...?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
