He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I FOUND THE LEGS
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