We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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