new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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