Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
