I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize