Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
