I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
