Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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