maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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