Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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