Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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