She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
