Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize
