and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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