I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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