Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I wear drunk well.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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