just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i would punch a child for taco bell
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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