fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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