my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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