i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
