Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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