I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
