I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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