I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
