Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
