I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
