Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
