Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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