I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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