I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
